New Season...? 3/4/11

I'm kind of surprised I'm still given my blog for World Race. Everything else "internal" or "race people specific" I am not really allowed access to.



As some of you may know, I am no longer going on the July Race. I'll just say it. I don't really know why. I mean I do. But I have no idea what is going on. Everything was going great..my heart for the trip was stronger than ever, my community was responding to me financially and prayerfully and building me up with support...I was ready to go. All I asked for with Christmas presents were things relevant to my race trip.



In the efforts to defer my student loans (not through the government) I realized that I would end up paying an insane interest rate in coming back from the trip. It would put me in a place of pressure to immediately find a well-paying job when I finished the race. After talking to my parents, we all agreed that the most responsible thing for me to do, however hard and heart-breaking, was to grow up a little more and face my debt. It was my choice to go to Texas--a school so so so worth it-- but I went there knowing I was on my own and I would one day take responsibility for the financial cost of my time there. Weeeeeeeell. That time has come. The next year will be filled with work and lots of saving money with the hopes of reapplying to World Race in the future.



If you know me, ( which maybe you do? maybe you don't?) you will know that one of my major strengths that also acts on occasion as a weakness is "activator". It basically means, I don't like to wait. I like to get things going. I like to start things. I do not sit on something well. It's great for group projects and communication. Terrible when I have absolutely NO other choice but to wait and sit.



It's funny because this is exactly something that has happened in another area of my life. I was asked to wait and sit. I literally couldn't. It felt like everything in me physically could not do it. All I saw were two dreams, big big dreams, literally get taken out of my life. But it's also not correct to say out of my life--they got...put on hold?...indefinitely? Maybe that's better terminology. Not really sure. But hopefully you can follow.



If you read my blog titled "Dreams" you realize that God asked me to dream big. He really did. Over. And Over. And Over. Until I literally one day in the prayer chapel just said out loud, " OK, GOD. I GET IT. I WILL DREAM NOW." and oh, did I. And oh, how those dreams were given to me. in abundance. a fulfillment. it was beautiful. and now, oh how those dreams are so so so not how I thought they would look 4 months later. Both on hold? or not available to me.



A girl on staff where I work asked to pray for me.(knowing absolutely nothing about my life other than I seemed "a little off". After doing so, she described this image that she had seen to me----It was a window. This window she said seemed to represent dreams that I had. The window looked like a baseball had been thrown into it, but did not shatter completely. It had created these cracks all throughout the glass. She said she wanted to encourage me not to give up on whatever these dreams were in my life, because they always were, and still are from God. But that I should both watch and let Him in to redeem them. Maybe they won't look like I thought they would, but they will look like He wants them to.--



This was so encouraging because I literally keep praying, God, I acted out of prayer. I did not enter into any of these "dreams" without serious "I will not do this unless it's ok" kind of prayer. Having no desire to make something happen on my own, or just start things in the wrong timing, or with the wrong person, or organization. Putting that much prayer into something, hearing God say "Yes" and now having it gone is really just..confusing. I've never had this happen before. All I can do is say..it was Yours from the start. It's still yours. Regardless of my weaknesses. All I can do is let Him in.